I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
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FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*