“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
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Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas