I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
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Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Wise advice
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Lmfaoooooo
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
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