[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
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Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Jesus steals the winter solstice
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks