Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
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Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Fiction has to make sense.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care