Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
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Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
only 11 steps left
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
True.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”