My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Denise please return my vape pen
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off