*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
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I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“You’d better run, egg!”