The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
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Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.