Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
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Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
girls literally only want one thing..