The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
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A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years