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“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof