Cheer up.
You Might Also Like
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck