Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
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just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me