I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
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I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
the Monday after daylight savings
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Body by cheese-puffs.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.