**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
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Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me: