Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
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I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
OH. COME. ON.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda