her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.