Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
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An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Husband of the year 😂
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.