[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
You Might Also Like
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.