LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
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I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic