I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
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I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.