Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
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remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
don’t be scared
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!