God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.