the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
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Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.