Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
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Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you