Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
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*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
your honor my client chooses dare
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.