I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
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*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
When your man makes a valid point