Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
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My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet