You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
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Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob