Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
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[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”