According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
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Finally!
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.