ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
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4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Thank you corporation very cool
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted