Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
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If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
your elf on the shelf was delicious