I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
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Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
They say women only use 10% of their anger
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.