The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
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Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.