Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you