You Might Also Like
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email