Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
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You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?