[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
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Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.