The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
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Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Salad is the decaf of food.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.