[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
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Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Isn’t
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.