Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
You Might Also Like
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I know
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.