wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
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Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Never let them know your next move 😂
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.