DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
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Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”