*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
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We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.