My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
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(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*