The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick