The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
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Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.