Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
If you want my opinion ask my wife
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it